Hell: From Doctrine to Destiny

Over the past couple years, Jesus’ words in the Gospels have been a treasure chest of life-giving lessons and transformative power in my life. But this wasn’t always so…

I was brought up somewhat in the church. Although my family did not attend church regularly, when I was twelve, I went through what a Lutheran church called “catechism.” During a series of classes, I was taught who Jesus was, how He died to save us from our sins, and why I needed to believe in Him. I learned that “heaven” is a place where “Christians” will spend a blissful eternity with God, while everyone else goes to a place called “hell” where they will be endlessly tormented and punished for their sins. So unless I wanted to spend an eternity burning in hell after I died, I needed to choose to believe in Jesus now. 

Even though this seemed more like a terrifying ultimatum than an expression of grace from a loving God, I assumed that the church’s teaching was correct. I had never read anything in the Bible myself so I had nothing of my own to go on.

My completion of “catechism,” which culminated in a public confession of my faith in Jesus Christ, and my denial of Satan, supposedly meant that I needn’t ever fear of going to this dreaded place called “hell.” Supposedly, I was “saved” from that when I decided to believe in Jesus. This would have been really great news for me if anything in my actual life had begun to reflect my apparent “salvation.” Instead everything just stayed the same.

And then things got worse…

When as an adult, I returned to church with a severely broken heart, I found the Gospel to be a shining message of hope. I knew that I needed help and Jesus seemed to be the only One who could help me. I decided to give Him a shot. 

Over the following couple years though, when my thought-patterns, habits, and relationships were not improving as I had hoped, I became very discouraged. I was still terribly fearful of other people’s opinions of me. I still spent a lot of energy trying to manage the way others perceived me. I still felt enslaved to an arduous hair and makeup routine every morning before I could leave my house. I was still extremely self-centered, my priorities were still way out of whack, and I still felt myself unable to love where I knew in my heart that I ought to be loving. 

The most frustrating part of all, is that the book full of stories about the God I supposedly believed in had almost no personal utility for me. Particularly Jesus’ words seemed foreign and completely irrelevant to my daily life. 

Going to church and listening to sermons helped some. Particularly the main pastor at the church my family attended was very good at making his sermons personal and giving practical “tests” by which we can know whether or not we are following Jesus. I consistently failed every test… 

In a desperate attempt to put my supposed “faith” into practice, I decided to get involved in the church by volunteering for the children’s ministry. It made me feel good about myself to be associated with the church, and to have such nice people treat me as if I were really a nice, normal person like themselves. But I realized pretty early on that my heart wasn’t in it for the right reasons. Eventually I could no longer live with myself pretending to be helping other people’s children for the reward of a cheap ego boost, while my relationship with my own kid was suffering. So I quit.

Getting involved with what the church calls “lifegroups” proved to be much more valuable to me. Through a lifegroup, I developed some relationships which I credit for much of my healing and spiritual growth both then and now. 

I still consider my baptism two Septembers ago to be one of the greatest moments of my life. Committing my life to Jesus that day was the freest and most joyous experience I can remember ever having. I will always be inexpressibly thankful to the church for giving me that opportunity and arranging everything for that day. 

Both as a child and as an adult, I have found churches of all denominations to be full of people whose lives are obvious evidence of God’s loving Spirit. So it is with great sadness that I confess, the conventional church teaching about heaven and especially about hell, has been more a hindrance than a help to my spiritual growth.

As long as I allowed conventional doctrine to guide my reading of the Bible, its impact on my life was very minimal. In particular, I could never understand how Jesus’ teaching about heaven and hell had anything to do with my actual life. He kept shouting, “The kingdom of heaven is at hand!” But I just wasn’t feeling it… 

To me, heaven was still some place that I would supposedly go to after I died (which I now find to be absolutely true, just not quite in the way I had imagined). But as my reading of Scripture began to transcend everything I was taught to believe about it, I began to experience the Bible as the living and powerful Word of God that it is. 

“…the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.” Hebrews 4:12 ESV

I never made a conscious choice to ditch church doctrine. It was more the natural outworking of my learning to entrust more and more of my daily doubts, fears, and questions to Jesus. 

It all started about three years ago during my year-long friendship with a traditional Mennonite family. After visiting their church one Sunday, the S’s invited my family back to their house for lunch. Some time afterwards, Mrs. S began showing up at my house now and then in the mornings after dropping her children off at school. Soon she was inviting me over to her house for dinner about once a week. 

At the time, my husband was working and living away from home during the week, so usually just the boys and I would go to the S’s house around 4 in the afternoon and stay til 7 or 7:30. 

My weekly visits with the S family went on for about a year. During that time, my sons came to love their six children as much as I came to love Mr. and Mrs. S. 

It was during my visits to the S’s house that I learned freedom from the prison of needing to feel “pretty” in order to feel good about myself. Because the S’s valued modesty in dress and appearance, I felt obliged to honor their values while I was visiting. In doing so, I took extra measures to dress modestly, including wearing no makeup or jewelry. Although this was initially a very painful thing for me to do, I soon noticed how much lighter and freer I felt when my psychic energy wasn’t bound up in worrying about how I look all the time. Soon I was opting out of my hair and makeup routine even on days when I wasn’t going to be visiting the S’s. I even got rid of three garbage-bags full of clothing that I had determined I could no longer wear (with or without the S’s). 

I still remember the way my heart raced and my fingers trembled as I tied those garbage-bags shut and carried them out to my car. Saying goodbye to my clothing was almost as agonizing as leaving my house without makeup for the first time. But the pain of these losses was more than worth the treasure of my relationship with the S’s, and the new freedom I had found in losing my self-image. 

These were the first of my experiences to bring life and meaning to Jesus’ teaching about heaven. Where before Jesus’ words had been totally dead to me, I suddenly understood something of what He meant when He said, 

“…the kingdom of heaven is like unto treasure hid in a field; the which when a man hath found, he hideth, and for joy thereof goeth and selleth all that he hath, and buyeth that field.” Matthew 13:44 KJV

Suddenly, I knew something about this ‘heaven’ Jesus was always talking about. Giving up everything I loved about my appearance was painful. But in its place, I had found life and freedom. 

“I am the door: by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved, and shall go in and out, and find pasture.” John 10:9 KJV

Now I could say with conviction that the kingdom of heaven really is at hand! This was a very exciting time for me. Up to that point, my “faith” had been more of an A+B=C sort of statement than a living relationship with God. What made these first experiences with God’s Word so special is that they marked the beginning of my learning to connect with Scripture on my own. Before, I could only ever see meaning in the Bible when others pointed it out to me, and even then I struggled to feel a personal connection with it. Now, I was not only connecting with Scripture, but I was confident that I didn’t need to consult with anyone about it or measure what I had learned against doctrine. The evidence of transformation in my thought patterns, habits, and relationships was all the assurance I needed to know I was on the right track. 

One of the greatest benefits of my relationship with the S’s was how positive I felt about my marriage when I spent time with them. I had had a bad habit of thinking and talking negatively about my husband, but when I was with the S’s, this negative attitude was instantly dissolved. 

When I spoke with Mrs. S about my negativity towards my husband, and my earnest desire for change, she was always understanding and encouraging. She would often share her own stories of times when she didn’t see quite eye-to-eye with her husband. She acknowledged disagreement as a normal part of marriage, but emphasized the imperative of putting the marriage first. Mrs. S was a real mentor to me, and I noticed the positive changes in my marriage and family relationships as I began to put her teaching into practice. 

My relationship with the S’s that year was a great asset to both my family and my faith. So it was a very painful loss for me when our friendship ended suddenly. One evening in early November of 2015, I was in the S’s living room after dinner sharing about a family member who happened to be divorced and remarried. Before I could finish sharing, Mr. S abruptly stated their belief that remarriage when a former spouse is still living is “adultery” (with the clear implication that God cannot forgive or redeem such a marriage). Feeling confused and a little hurt that Mr. S thought stating this belief was in any way pertinent or helpful to our conversation, I said, “Well I don’t know what you think about this…but J (my husband) was married before…”

The energy in the room shifted as the S’s processed what I had just said. Mrs. S’s face turned bright red and her hands were noticeably shaking. Mr. S proceeded in calm confidence to tell me how angry this makes him with the church leaders responsible for teaching others that divorce is “okay.” He said, “A lot of innocent people are going to pay for this. There is blood on their (the church leaders') hands.” I told him I agreed with him (albeit only to the extent that I believe divorce is a tragic experience for everyone). To conclude the evening, Mr. S looked at me and said, “We have seen the Holy Spirit at work in you. We believe God has a path of righteousness for you.” 

As I left the S’s house that night, I couldn’t help the feeling that Mr. S had in mind exactly what he thought my path of righteousness ought to look like… 

On my drive home, I was very upset and confused. I tried to suspend judgment. Maybe the S’s didn’t actually expect me to break up my family “for the glory of God.” Maybe I had misinterpreted everything. What I knew for sure is that my marriage was not beyond God’s redemption. I had already experienced an abundance of God’s grace through my marriage. Certainly God was not asking me to now throw my marriage away. I was already good at doing that without God’s help! 

My heart was troubled, as I was unable to see how my relationship with the S’s could ever be the same after that night. But I felt a distinct warmth and calm in the middle of it all. I had learned something very important. The shame and fear that I felt in the S’s home that night was not from my fear of God, it was from my fear of them. At once, I could see that my respect and admiration for the S’s was more than that. It was worship. I had made an idol out of the S’s, and this was the situation God was using to reveal it.

"Thou shalt have no other gods before me…Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image…Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God…” Exodus 20:3-5 KJV

During my next visit to the S’s house, Mrs. S’s face showed visible signs of distress. During a private conversation, with dark circles under her eyes, she informed me that she would no longer be able to give me counsel concerning my marriage. I told her how sad this made me (seeing as how her counsel had been such a huge part of our friendship and a great blessing to my marriage). I also told her how difficult I felt it would be to continue our friendship while feeling uncomfortable talking about my husband. She kindly told me, “Just don’t even think about it…Just talk the way you would normally talk.” It was nice of her to say, but we both knew this would be impossible. 

At this point I knew for sure where my marriage stood with the S’s, but I still wasn’t convinced this meant that they expected me to break up my family. After looking to Scripture, a lot of prayer, and seeking guidance from a friend, I believed it was the right thing to continue my relationship with the S’s without hoping to change their minds about my marriage. This was much easier said than done. 

Overnight, my visits with the S’s had become an enormous source of anxiety and inner turmoil. Our conversations had become awkward and stilted. I was constantly nervous that I was going to mistakenly say something about my husband that would make things even more uncomfortable. I tried to pray my fear and worry away, but it kept coming back. 

One afternoon, a few hours before I was scheduled to visit the S’s, I was driving my car along country roads trying desperately to pray that God would make me able to love the S’s without fearing their opinion of my marriage. I couldn’t do it… I tried and tried, but my heart was so full of fear and pride that I couldn’t get through to God. It was as though I had been locked out…

“For many, I tell you, will seek to enter and will not be able. When once the master of the house has risen and shut the door, and you begin to stand outside and to knock at the door, saying, ‘Lord, open to us,’ then he will answer you, ‘I do not know where you come from…. Depart from me, all you workers of evil!’” Luke 13:25,27 ESV

I realized that my separation from God was not the result of my feeling hurt by the S’s changed opinion of my marriage, nor of the loss of our once blessed friendship. It was the result of my burning desire to change their opinion of my marriage and to save the friendship we once had.

“For whoever wants to save his life will lose it…” Matthew 16:25 KJV

I remembered Jesus’ response to His disciple, Peter when He told him and the rest of His disciples that He was going to be killed. Peter (quite understandably) protested, insisting that this would never happen to Jesus. To which, Jesus replied, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a hindrance to me. For you are not setting your mind on the things of God, but on the things of man.” Matthew 16:23 ESV 

It was true. Like Peter, I was not responding to the fate of my relationship with the S’s in faith. I was more interested in changing the S’s opinion about my marriage than I was in learning to love them in spite of it. God was commanding me to love the S’s unconditionally, but all my feeble heart could do was fear them… 

“The fear of man bringeth a snare: but whoso putteth his trust in the LORD shall be safe.” Proverbs 29:25 KJV

In that moment, I knew exactly what God required of me. But I found myself absolutely powerless to do it. While driving in my car that day, I remember feeling like a violent war was raging inside of me. And there I was in the middle of it all, shouting and pounding on the steering wheel, wailing like a mad person desperate to escape a burning building. That’s when it hit me: This is Hell. 

“There shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth, when ye shall see Abraham, and Isaac, and Jacob, and all the prophets, in the kingdom of God, and you yourselves thrust out.” Luke 13:28 KJV

I thought again of Jesus’ disciple, Peter, and how after Jesus was taken to the cross, Peter denied ever having known Jesus. Then I remembered what Jesus said prior to Peter’s denial of Him in Luke 12:9…

“…he that denieth me before men shall be denied before the angels of God.” 

Everything I was experiencing made perfect sense. Jesus had told me what I must do to live…

"You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself…do this, and you will live.” Luke 10:27-28 ESV

And He had told me what to expect if I fail… 

“If a man abide not in me, he is cast forth as a branch, and is withered; and men gather them, and cast them into the fire, and they are burned.” John 15:6 KJV

Suddenly, Jesus’ parable of the Net in Matthew 13 was no longer a foretelling of the separation of 'saved' and 'damned' souls at Jesus’ final return. “The furnace of fire” and the “severing of the wicked from among the just” was all taking place inside of me right in that very moment! This wasn’t about Jesus’ return someday in the future. It was about Jesus’ return right now. Here was my Lord, and He was shouting, “The kingdom of heaven is at hand!”

And I had been found an unfaithful servant… 

“ Again, the kingdom of heaven is like unto a net, that was cast into the sea, and gathered of every kind: Which, when it was full, they drew to shore, and sat down, and gathered the good into vessels, but cast the bad away. So shall it be at the end of the world: the angels shall come forth, and sever the wicked from among the just, And shall cast them into the furnace of fire: there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth." Matthew 13:47-50 KJV

Driving in my car that afternoon, I realized that the anguish I was experiencing over my relationship with the S’s was not the result of my feeling hurt by them. It was the hell of my sin (idolatry and covetousness) making me unable to receive and give God’s love to them. It was also the hell of my faithlessness, of my not trusting that God had a purpose in allowing my relationship with the S’s to take this painful turn. 

Like Peter’s reaction to Jesus’ foretelling of His death, my greatest desire was to change the course of God’s plan for my relationship with the S’s. And now Jesus was responding to me the same way He had responded to Peter, saying, “Get behind me, Satan!” As I imagined how traumatizing and painful it must have been for Peter to hear these words from His Lord, I felt as though I was hearing them too. And I knew that I would continue living in the hell of my unfaithfulness until I learned to put my faith in God alone… 

“…fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul: but rather fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell.” Matthew 10:28 KJV

During a moment when I needed Him most, Jesus, through His words in the Gospels, had taught me discernment of the desires and weaknesses of my heart. He had helped me to distinguish between my righteousness and my unrighteousness, where I had been faithful and where I had been unbelieving. 

In this very unconventional way, Jesus’ teaching had transformed a once dead doctrine about hell into a life-giving metaphor for the pain of my sin. My sin was, as the apostle Paul wrote many times, “the sting of death.” And in the midst of this death, in midst of this hell, Jesus became as the Psalmist said, “a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path,” showing me the way out. 

“And he laid his right hand upon me, saying unto me, Fear not; I am the first and the last: I am he that liveth, and was dead; and, behold, I am alive for evermore, Amen; and have the keys of hell and of death.” Revelation 1:17-18 KJV

With Jesus on my side, I knew for sure that no matter how much more painful my relationship with the S’s would become, and no matter how impossible it seemed to love them, I had to keep on trying. 

During my next visit with the S’s, I tried to think of things to talk about that didn’t involve my husband or my family. It was tricky, but Mrs. S and I managed to have one very nice afternoon together baking bread. Feeling encouraged, I asked Mrs. S if I could pray with her. During the prayer, I thanked God for Mrs. S’s bravery in reaching out to me that year, for our friendship and for continuing to challenge both of us to follow Him with our whole hearts. We both agreed that we had a very nice visit that day and parted on a good note. I would have never guessed that my next visit to the S’s would be the last time I would see them. 

On my last evening in the S’s home, after some surprisingly uncomfortable conversation with Mrs. S before dinner, Mr. S approached me in the living room. He sat down in the seat across from me and asked with a very stern look on his face, “How is J?” (my husband) I replied saying, “He is doing well. With his ability to tele-work now, he is only away from home three nights a week, which lessens the burden for all of us.” Mr. S looked at me with obvious disappointment and then shortly stood up and walked out of the room.

When we sat down for dinner that night, it was the first time Mr. S did not mention me or my family in his dinner prayer. Conversation at the table was very painful, even more so than in the past. Hardly anyone spoke to me except the children. 

After dinner as I was helping Mrs. S with dishes in the kitchen, she asked me how my relationship with my dad was going. I was honest and told her that things had been steadily improving. I told her, “It’s as if I am a different person. It’s really just been my coming to Christ and realizing that it’s not about me being right, it’s about doing what’s right.” Neither she, nor Mr. S who was within earshot, said a word in response. It was as though my mere mentioning of Christ’s name was an offense to them. 

Later while sitting in the living room after dinner, I was trying to make small talk. In the interest of keeping things lighthearted, I tried steering the conversation towards my kids. It was just me, my youngest son, and Mr. S in the room when I believe I said something about my kids and our daily foibles together. Mr. S gave no response, and instead flashed me the coldest, deadliest stare I have ever received. I was so disturbed that I nearly fainted. I realized in that moment that it was time to leave. As I began to stand up to collect my youngest son, I was so dazed that I staggered a bit before regaining my balance. I thanked Mr. S for having us over, while Mrs. S called my oldest son up from the basement where he had been playing with the other children. Mr. S thanked me for the dish I brought for dinner but struggled to remember what it was. “It was chicken,” I said. Then we left. 

On our drive home, my oldest son asked me why Mr. S had told him that his parent’s marriage is a sin. Apparently, Mr. S had spoken to my son privately in the basement that night without my knowledge. “He said that Dad has the wrong wife,” my son explained. “But that doesn’t make any sense…”

That was when it became perfectly clear what was the fate of my relationship with the S's. While I had been committed to trying to love them no matter what, they were clearly not committed to loving me or my family. And I was absolutely heartbroken.

"...ye shall weep and lament...and ye shall be sorrowful..." John 16:20 KJV

I had a long conversation with my oldest son that night. I explained that we love Mr. and Mrs. S very much, and it is very sad that they have been victims of a teaching that makes them unable to love us anymore. 

“They shall put you out of the synagogues: yea, the time cometh, that whosoever killeth you will think that he doeth God service. And these things will they do unto you, because they have not known the Father, nor me.” John 16:2-3 KJV

After putting my kids to bed that night, I was deeply blessed as I perceived that my pain for the S’s was no longer the pain of fear. It was the pain of love. 

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.” 1 John 4:18 KJV

“…and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.” Matthew 16:25 KJV

And even though it was one of the saddest, most painful nights of my life, an otherworldy peace had already begun to fill my broken heart.

"These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 KJV