Ever in Search of the Narrow Gate

I had a rough day recently. Nevermind the details, but by the end of the day, I was angrily asking God “What is the point of all this?” It wasn’t just my own struggles that had me asking, it was thinking of all the people across the world whose lives are filled with torture and agony. People who have and will suffer far more than I ever have or will suffer. Why let all of it happen? What’s the point? In my heart, I told God that this whole existence seems at times more like a cruel joke than a sacred journey. And I made sure He knew that I do not approve of it.

I was so angry and bitter inside that I almost skipped my Bible reading that night. Maybe I considered skipping my reading as a way of acting out my present disdain for this thing He calls Life. Or maybe I was just at the end of my rope and feeling hopeless that anything in that book could help me.

But as I put my kids to bed, my oldest son was being so sweetly himself that even the deadest walking-dead person couldn’t not notice. And my youngest son was making a game out of thrusting his wrist that has a boo-boo on it into my face and saying “kiss.”

Like many times before, I was pulled out of my dark mood by the tremendous Life that lives inside of those kids. And I was reminded of this truth: In the moments when I am willing and able to let them, my kids have the power to breathe Life into the dead places of my heart. It seems that their simple presence (and mine) is all I need to fall in love with Life again.

In those moments before bedtime, I remembered that God is always present, even in my worst moments. I remembered that my job isn't to fix everything and make everything happen.  My job is to embrace my own falling down; the falling down of my insecurities and my frustration with life; the falling down of the "idol" that is my grand plan for doing and fixing everything that seems broken. My job is to notice what God has already done and what He is still doing, and to fall in love with it.

No matter what terrible things I have done, no matter how wretched I have been, when I let myself fall into God's grace, I find that Life is always faithfully, lovingly nearby, waiting for me to come and live in it. These are the moments I live for, even if their coming is few and far between. 

With this in mind, I picked up my Bible and read.

Matthew 7:13-14

Heaven can be entered only through the narrow gate! The highway to hell is broad, and its gate is wide enough for all the multitudes who choose its easy way. But the Gateway to Life is small, and the road is narrow, and only a few ever find it.

The following passage from Jeremiah and Psalm 88 also happened to be part of my reading that night.

Jeremiah 30:11

I am with you and will save you,’
    declares the Lord.
‘Though I completely destroy all the nations
    among which I scatter you,
    I will not completely destroy you.

Psalm 88

1Lord, you are the God who saves me;
    day and night I cry out to you.
² May my prayer come before you;
    turn your ear to my cry.

³ I am overwhelmed with troubles
    and my life draws near to death.
⁴ I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
    I am like one without strength.  
⁵ I am set apart with the dead,
    like the slain who lie in the grave, whom you remember no more,
    who are cut off from your care.

⁶ You have put me in the lowest pit,
    in the darkest depths.
⁷ Your wrath lies heavily on me;
    you have overwhelmed me with all your waves.
 ⁸ You have taken from me my closest friends
    and have made me repulsive to them. I am confined and cannot escape;  
⁹     my eyes are dim with grief.

I call to you, Lord, every day;
    I spread out my hands to you.  
¹⁰ Do you show your wonders to the dead?
    Do their spirits rise up and praise you?  
¹¹ Is your love declared in the grave,
    your faithfulness in Destruction?  
¹² Are your wonders known in the place of darkness,
    or your righteous deeds in the land of oblivion?

¹³ But I cry to you for help, Lord;
    in the morning my prayer comes before you.
¹⁴ Why, Lord, do you reject me
    and hide your face from me?

¹⁵ From my youth I have suffered and been close to death;
    I have borne your terrors and am in despair.
¹⁶ Your wrath has swept over me;
    your terrors have destroyed me.  
¹⁷ All day long they surround me like a flood;
    they have completely engulfed me.  
¹⁸ You have taken from me friend and neighbor—
    darkness is my closest friend.

Deciding not to skip my Bible reading that night didn’t fix any of my problems. It didn’t eliminate my tendency to get caught up in the sin of myself and the sin of the world. But it did affirm that what I am experiencing is a foundational pattern of the universe. It affirmed that those few and far between moments of pure Life with God are the beginnings of Heaven itself. And that even though we may spend much of our time with “the multitudes” on the highway to Hell, the narrow Gateway to Life will always be present and waiting for the few who find it.